Saturday, January 16, 2010

The Oyster Midden - a triparshva renku

.











perched upon
the oyster midden
hopeful seagulls / ec

myriad ripples
on a frozen current / b

rubbernecking
tourists take snapshots
by the gulf stream / gj

a single organism
pervades the forest floor / b

in heated moonlight,
hairpin turns mark the way
to babylon / gj

instinct
the blood in our veins / ec

dried-up rinds
of grapefruit litter
my Monday mornings / gj

paper airplanes
still floating on a dream / ec

darkness so quiet,
only the drip
of melting ice / b

a spindly wallflower
sets my heart abuzz / b

two contortionists
give shape
to the meaning of love / tm

pushing the stroller
footsteps fall in synch / ec

the flight of darts
is all i hear
in couples counseling / gj

lightning clouds change
from the inside out / gj

up all night
the morning glories
duped by a full moon/ ec

a monarch's journey
burdened by early snow / tm

the vortex
gathering all that is
extraordinary / tm

after the rains,
a map drawn in mud / gj

in the end
nothing more than
a roadside altar / ec

bear totem watches
lupine fill the valley/ ec

a single pole
of cherry adorns
the busker's hovel / b

poor old girl
we had to put her down/ ec


completed March 22, 2010


bandit
el coyote
govindajohn
turdus migratorius



Our Triparshva renku, The Oyster Midden, has been accepted for June 2010 publication at Notes From The Gean




.

141 comments:

bandit said...

We've had three votes for 'the oyster midden'. I've tentatively removed the number of seagulls to better accomodate and reflect our actual numbers-is that alright with you, El C?
There is much food for thought on an actual midden, whether it be animal or human in its creation, a myriad (10,000) of things cast off which can become valuable artifacts in future, lying just under the surface if one makes the effort to dig in a little.
If all are in agreement with these choices, then let's move on to a non-season verse for our breakaway
daisan.

Anonymous said...

The only query I would have about your choice is assigning "hopeful" to a bird.

Might I suggest taking another line from one of El Coyote's offerings and merging the two:

seagulls on
the oyster midden -
late winter stew

Anyway, just a thought. Yours to do with as you will.

Good luck with the triparshva.

bandit said...

had the same thought about a 'hopeful' bird, yet hungry without another accompanying adjective seemed awful dry-and the prosody, somewhat clipped.
I like the original stew verse, too, though had some complaint about its raw imagery so early in this quest-and quest is a suitable
analogy for our effort, if we be birds of a feather!
Then again, one could consider it a double kigo (which a wag once mentioned "hits the spot'! in another renku's development) with oysters and the word winter in one verse, especially if we were trying to avoid actual season mention more than once in a poem...and the anthropomorphism of a bird enjoying a nice stew.
I'm not trying to be critical or defensive, I like the turn of phrase, just thinking out loud...we still haven't heard from the rest of the flock! What say you, team?
Love to hear your suggestions...please come back!

John Merryfield said...

umm.. for me the image of a hopeful seagull is real. I've seen them standing on top of things that have long lost hope of being food. Their proud glancing heads not reflecting the fact that they are indeed scavengers. The most hopeful of any tribe. They see food where others see trash.

el coyote said...

Hey bandit I like your rendition using "hopeful seagulls"..

And not to be nit picky but I think myriad is a noun. It may sound better like...

on the icy current
a myriad of ripples

Just a thought. Thanks, EC

el coyote said...

BTW, I got the idea, "oyster midden", from the huge shell mounds in the East bay left long ago by the Ohlone indians. I thought the juxtaposition of hungry seagulls sitting upon mounds of food remains was interesting.

bandit said...

Thanks, El C!
And I'll bet there are some artifacts to be found on the East Bay-nice choice.

I had the same concern of 'myriad', so I looked it up, and saw it was also an adjective, with some examples of usage-might it not be as common, so, in American usage? The concern was to differentiate between length and the "cut" of the adjoining verses.
We have been called on that before. Are we all still comfortable with this explanation?
John, this might be a space to introduce our Haitian topic-all other submissions are welcome, of course.

bandit said...

Actually, by convention, this would not be the place to open the topic of the Haitian disaster, due to the fact of keeping this first section light in nature we would not want to touch on subjects out of the poets realm of personal experience. Certainly, an exciting idea, but we wouldn't want to be mistaken for, religious missionaries at this point, as just an example.
My mistake!

John Merryfield said...

I need to change this or delete this... sorry... its not working for me.

John Merryfield said...

I feel better about the images, link and flow here...Sabaki Bandit, I await your thoughts.

bandit said...

That's what I was afraid of-somebody would call me sabaki, or worse yet, think I called myself sabaki, which would be an insult to writers and the whole form, good god, man, people would be turning over in their graves!!!
I did some back read, and realized places and pronouns were inappropriate at this juncture-and I'll bet you had the kick-ass Haiti verse ready, too, didn't ya?
Sorry, man. I just don't wanna play at this-I'd like to do things right.
As far as a fictional name in this instance...a constellation at that, well, I'd say read an explanation at Renku Reckoner-A Dynamic Pattern-JO-for yourself, 'cause it's obvious I talk too much already.
I like this verse, I think it's dynamite, and serves our purpose well.
Who's up for a non season verse to follow?

John Merryfield said...

Thanks Willie. Ok, not sabaki... how about "Dude". I trust ya dude.

bandit said...

Re-post:

Talked with Dude-ette Robin a little-she went to the Haiku Poets No. Cal. Sunday; musta been interesting...

I put up

a palindrome
in genetic code

No person or place reference (or overt drama) for variety of linkage, but is it too early for this?
Hearing no other offers, shall we move to the moon position? (spring or summer) give me a hint, or throw up your offers, I guess.

el coyote said...

Hey Bandit I have a few ideas... I'll post some options in a bit.

T.Migratorius said...

I'm still with you guys. My days are filled with out of town busy-ness for the next few weeks. Willie, I need to go back and read some of the past info you have sent me on proper format. I will work on writing a little. Don't give up on me.

John Merryfield said...

I may have too much time on my hands, so forgive me for jumping in EC, but if you have something you were working on to follow "palindrome"... throw it in, instead of mine.

I couldn't resist trying to follow Bandit's thoughts.

Looking forward to hearing from you when time permits Robin.

bandit said...

Let's leave 'em stand as proposals-
see what we catch! I'll just draw a little line... (mmph) there!
Tweaking is certainly allowed, too.

el coyote said...

I was trying to think of a verse that tied all of our previous entries together. I felt that "patterns" kept coming up (ripples, ice, hairpin turns) and the notion of life within these patterns(genetic code, hunger, hunter, constellations).

bandit said...

Wow!

By golly, you're right, El C...
and I wondered how we might artfully conclude this side.
If we have intuitively (instinct)
followed a theme of "patterns", I think we might have accomplished that without back link, or kannobiraki. And some swell long-short pattern in the verse structure, with diversity of subject (people/place/thing)
The only thing I see out of line with traditional "pattern" is a spring moon to non-season verse.
I thought John's verse a little odd at first with it's unusual line structure (3-4-6), yet the conciseness of El C's verse may save it, making it unnoticeable.
May I suggest a different adjective for 'hazy' to denote summer? Cool, burning, e.g., or would that foil your intention, John? ('hairpin', 'hazy', a difficult journey.) Babylon makes sense to me now in the context. The babel, or complexity of our "quest" defined by 'the blood in our veins'. That's my read, anyway.
John, I've noticed the creator of the triparshva form has been looking in on us-let me make bold and adjust your verse seasonally, for the moment, so you might approve or edit it later.
Let's degachi for verse 7, non-season, the start of as new page. We can open up our subject matter now-anything goes. (keep in mind we've just had a thing/person verse) And, once again, I've gone on too long!

bandit said...

El C! Did you pull the verse to match John's season? It wrapped up the side so well...but we can discuss this further guys. I'm just making suggestions-nothing writ in stone!
(Sorry to make you wait-my son came in and we were discussing kajukenbo.)

el coyote said...

Hey y'all. I pulled the last verse because I wasn't sure if I liked it or not. But re_reading this morning I think it wraps it all up for the preface nicely.

I like your rendition of johns "hairpin" but I think the word "in" would be redundant with the previous verse ending with "in genetic code" perhaps "under cool moonlight"??

bandit said...

Good point-an attempt to shorten the line. Under was John's choice, too. "Beneath", another option...
I read somewhere that Basho broke away from traditional format (5-7-5) yet typically not 'til later in the development stage of a poem.
I think John is still mulling it over.

John Merryfield said...

Yes.. mulling it. "hazy" seemed to speak to the unclear direction of Babylon. However, I do like the brevity of "in cool moonlight" ... By the way, the structure of having that line first (Bandit's version) is superior to my original version.

perhaps..

in hazy moonlight
hairpin turns
to babylon

John Merryfield said...

I know see the redundency of the word in.... and, under hazy moonlight seems too long.

then perhaps yes... under cool moonlight

bandit said...

Well, hazy implies spring kigo, while EC's verse is non-season, though do we lose that nice tension with the single summer reference 'cool'? ...burning, dripping, sweaty, ahh, help me out here...
The point is do we want two spring references here, or one summer and retain that nice wrap-up to the preface that feels so right in the gut and sounds so right in the read?
John's been taking a lot of hits on his submissions, though he's been a real trooper...takin' it for the team.
I don't want to cut this verse too much...

John Merryfield said...

Yes, This one works for me Willie...

by heated moonlight
hairpin turns
to babylon

a great image

bandit said...

went to the store, came back, put up 'by the heat of the moon';

A thought-DNA plus blood-uchikoshi?

el coyote said...

what about "dappled moonlight"? Although I'm not sure if that conotes spring or summer...

"tranquil moonlight" ???

bandit said...

good'n's...though heat conveys something more sinister, maybe, in keeping with the tension John sought. As for lyricism, 'by the heat of the moon' turns my crank.
My newest concern is if 'genetic code' and 'blood' link back to break any "guidelines". I'd like to leave it stand, though I did ask an outside source.
The whole idea with the genetic business was to be not direct animal or human reference (bacteria?) to create diversity.
Didn't they say a good renku touches on "all things"?
Bacteria...I may have answered my own question. Thanks for checkin' in; got me to thinkin' again.

el coyote said...

you could take out 'by'

heated moonlight
hairpins turns
to babylon


I think 'by the heat of the moon' is a nice image but is a little too wordy....

bandit said...

And that makes it a cut verse, two parts, too similar to a haiku.
Well, we have to regroup. Asked a sabaki and he agrees 'genes' and 'blood' are things in the same group. If we had space of, say three or more verses between we could make it abide by the "rules". Maybe I can change 'palindrome' to something with bacteria...
Havin' fun yet? Come back now, ya'll hear? That's a big 10-4.

John Merryfield said...

Well, in an effort to regroup, for me, the palindrome verse is wonderful and should be kept and built from there.

I really like the the phrasing of "by heated moonlight" it congures a road, heated like a fancy town sidewalk melting the snow and ice with moonlight. That isn't the linkage to "palidrome"... the word "hairpin" is but there are so many verses that could link with Bandit's palindrome verse, my mind explodes. This is partly the reason I couldn't wait for EC and jumped in there.

I've been stuck on my verse (with Bandit's addition) because I like it so much but I'll stick that one in my pocket and throw it out somewhere else as a haiku or whatever. Not needed here if it's clogged up traffic.

We could start again from Bandit's palindrome...

bandit said...

Ain't you John-it's my bloody inattention to detail. Try this on for size. It would help if all checked in on this. I've become gunshy on the length of two line verse due to Ms Richard's astute observations in past.
Palindrome, though some may consider to be clever, can be stored away for another day. 9I still find 'by the heat of the moon' to be more lyrical, though I've been wrong before) It's the power of EC's 'blood' that wraps it up for me.
Talk to me, please

T.Migratorius said...

You boys were busy today...
I like heat of the moon.
Critique of my verse please in relation to the rest of the poem. I have issues with it.

bandit said...

How 'bout a synonym for chatoyant-
lustrous, gleaming, POLISHED, sparkling,etc.
At the beginning of a new folio, this near kireji style somewhat echoes the hokku by virtue of its "cesaura".
Another point: we're shy on direct human reference up to now: he, she, pronouns are OK after the preface. Makes me consider Orion now, but that's a constellation...

T.Migratorius said...

ok B- I took this one out. I was wondering about the kireji at this point. Are we always to write the verses in normal sentence like structure in a renku? It is hard for me to write like that now. Curious minds need to know.

bandit said...

Well, semi-cut: but not all the time. A lot of haiku isn't haiku; it's just an extension of a scene. The point I've been learning in renku is to maintain variety.
Some schools may frown on your verse in that prominent position.
Look at the hokku, it's not a true haiku, well, I mean it does not truly have two juxtaposing ideas. It's a continuation of a thought.
Your verse had 'chatoyant' in it, which was of greater concern to me since I had to look in a dictionary for a definition. Leave it up so we can see what we've got. post up as many ideas as you can.
You missed the effort we had today, what with kannobiraki and crafting one syllable and such.
I'm realizing just how many guidelines and precepts have been formulated over hundreds of years.
Our old stuff was full of these mistakes. But we're smarter than that. We're learning.

bandit said...

Wow, this is getting to be a soliloquy-You must be getting tired of it... One more thing!
We have a constellation name and a moon verse in close proximity. If we were to say, present this for publication (oh, have I got a back story on that)this poem would be rejected on at least that one count.
John, any ideas?

el coyote said...

I think I agree with John, I loved the palindrome verse and I think it was flowing quite nicely. Perhaps we should go back and rebuild with these critiques in mind. I think changing verses around can be tricky and ultimately takes away from the overall quality of a renku.

bandit said...

Then we'd need to lose your verse, which I thought was killer.

a palindrome
in genetic code

Thoughts, suggestions, verses, anyone?

el coyote said...

It's up to you duder... I could rework the last stanza an omit "blood". Lets wait to see what TM and GJ think.

T.Migratorius said...

Ok, I am near a computer today.
First, GJ does needs to change the Orion line for sure. 2)I still like the blood verse and 3)looking at the heat of the moon line, I am wondering why it can't be more hokku like with a shorter cutting first line which would read better to me. Just a question, not a request to change it. B-I took off the snail 'ku last night because it wasn't about people and seemed too close to your single organism verse. (??)

T.Migratorius said...

ps...I just love the word chatoyant. My new found word as of last week.

John Merryfield said...

alot of thoughts here.. i have a busy day today. though i'm open to all possiblities. i can commit more time later this evening.

John Merryfield said...

I like Robin's "the surgeon" verse.

I like Bandit's verse: Rubbernecking tourists

I put up another verse for consideration, as if we need more confusion.

Green Tea said...

Nice post, thanks for sharing this wonderful and useful information with us.

Green Tea Weight Loss

bandit said...

Oh, Johnnie, just because I told you I pulled the wings off of butterfly's as a boy. I was a strange child...the Renku Group I just joined does, too, but they don't let on, at least not in the preface. It's our little secret...

You like 'rubberneckin'', huh? Me, too. We had that problem of sarikirai, or similar reference in too few verse's seperation.
Let's see, what else...
I have to agree with El C and John to go with 'in heated moonlight'; the verse structure is not so uncommon as some of our others in this section. Good choice, guys. Boys rule! T., thanks anyway for backing me up, girlfriend!
El C, I still say 'blood' is killer; and wraps up the preface in our slightly violent, American way. Yay, for the Empire!
Oh, and anonymous is Sandra from NZ. Let's hope she returns. she is very, very good.

bandit said...

T, I like the simplicity of line of the 'surgeon', kokorozuke, linking by an extension of content to El C's verse, and it being a solid platform to develop our eccentricities further in this stage. and it's about people-our next verse, short, non-season, should, or could be about a place or thing. Looking ahead, I believe we have spring, often a subject of growth and rebirth, so let's keep that in mind.
Any ideas, El C? we can compete or assign the following verses as we see fit.

T.Migratorius said...

just cheking in before I run off for the day.. B- I sure hope you didn't choose the 'surgeon' verse just to get one of mine in this. It wouldn't hurt my feelings to keep it open longer for more entries. I like the competition for the good of the piece.

John Merryfield said...

Very nice changes Willie. I like them very much. I'm stuck in haiku, like a little dodge colt stuck in second gear, bucking like its in a rodeo, unable to shift up into that next gear, renku. My foot is on the clutch and I keep trying.

bandit said...

Had an '80 Colt, two speed transaxle, yellow with racing stripes, sun roof, front wheel drive and a 1.6 liter four banger. That was a fun car! Snappy little bugger, 'til I fried the clutch.

Someone made a point to me about mimicing the hokku, especially noticeable in this prominent position.

el coyote said...

Hey guys, I wasn't very satisfied with my last verses so I'm back to the drawing board. I like what you said about mimicing the hokku bandit.

T.Migratorius said...

I bought a brand new Dodge Colt 2 door in 1978 for $3500. For me, that was a lot of money back then.

el coyote said...

i like the paper airplane verse too, good call and nice rendition.

el coyote said...

although it was originally intended to follow tm's surgeon verse....??

bandit said...

I was thinking of the aftermath of a lost weekend-that was my read, grapefruit and vodka, still making it to the job, but not really there, flying paper airplanes in your cubicle, and then spring comes along...

bandit said...

...alchohol in the blood was my previous take on it when I read John's verse.
I've known a few old school horns, hiding the bottles, D.T.s, the whole nine yards.

bandit said...

I thought I spelled mimicking wrong, and separate, too.

bandit said...

Any more input or preferences, folks?

John Merryfield said...

Highly visual changes to the pink grapefruit verse. I like it very much. Soon, I'll need to remove my initials, all together from that one. Willie, you're very skilled and I'm a student of yours. I also like Robin's surgeon verse in this #7 position.

bandit said...

When I was writing with that international crew and sabaki, I never had an original verse placed on the board until late in the game. Maybe one out of 8 or 9 submissions was the average. And that's just counting the accepted topics.
I'm a bit shy about changing things
because my experience is still in the beginner stage.
I like Robin's verse, too. I was hoping she was available to offer critique.
When I saw your image, combined with El C's, though, I felt it made a stronger flow.
Let's use those and go with #9, spring, its early stages, three lines.
Let's avoid human reference-love is soon to be in the air.
Let's move outdoors, animals, plants, things, etc.
You'd probably want to avoid actual flight or eating for that matter. I'm not sure about the ocean, or water, we may have enough distance from the "gulf stream".
Also, it would help immensely if everyone could critique a little, as well as make us stronger.
If you have time, read some of the discussion of the triparshva at Issa's Snail. It's great stuff.
Okay, let's degachi again. We're shorthanded at the moment, so we need all hands on deck.
Thanks everyone for these great submissions.

el coyote said...

I think this is coming along quite nicely. I really like the connection between "rinds" and "oyster midden/shells" , very nice. I am also digging the connection between the "gulf stream" and "paper airplane".

bandit said...

We can't use these explicitly cut verses-Watching the Vikes in the 4th quarter.

John Merryfield said...

As I read the work so far, I'm a little concerned that the three line verses are too consistently complex. My pheasants verse might unnecesarily add to that complexity or it might be alright. Bandit's darkness verse is simple and very nice and may fit well here, while his second verse is clunky. For me, Ec's verses are very interesting but may be too abrupt and creat flow problems. What do others think?

John Merryfield said...

Tough 4th quarter for the vikings.

el coyote said...

I agree, I removed my verses because they were too haiku like and didn't flow well.

I like bandit's "ice melting"
but perhaps it would flow better if you changed it from "ice melting" to "melting ice". But what about the previous ice entry? Is it okay to use kigos twice?

Bandit, I think #9 should be your spot.

el coyote said...

Poor Brett... I was routin' for him too.

bandit said...

Good calls, team. Better than Favre. Yeah, I thought we could simplify things a bit. That preface was a bitch, got me all wound up.
I'll take your advice and run with it; no awkward 3rd down pass.
I'll trim a word off John's 'Monday Morning, too. Tell me what you think or make a revision. We can always make revisions as we see things.

Let's see...spring and love, two lines, umm, what else? We can run with just three love verses if you like.
Let's keep sharing ideas, shall we? Put it up if you got something.

Something from Bill Higginson:

seeing a potential lover
flirting
falling in love
waiting for lover
tryst or assignation
seduction
absent lover
love's passing

bandit said...

Just a note, John-blossom is usually reserved for the final spring group. You can refer to our schema below. A nice verse otherwise, though I might trim 'red' for flow. I just had "red" knocked out in another trip because they wanted to keep it in reserve.

I can't detect your love reference on this one. (so many rules!)

John Merryfield said...

oops. I mis-read the Reckoner...As far as love, I guess I'm in love every time I see the hula. I liked your original love verse best.

el coyote said...

hey bandit,I love "spindly wallflower", very very nice.

I'm drawing a blank on this verse guys... I'm forcing the wheels to turn.


I'm out for a pint, perhaps I'll have something worthy when i return....

T.Migratorius said...

hey, I love how 'paper airplanes' follows 'Monday mornings'. Well done.
I have to apologize for not having time to participate in this. I thought I would be able to when we began.... I think it would be best for my peace of mind to just pop in now and then and see how it is going, cheer you all on, etc.

T.Migratorius said...

do you realize you have 'icy current' in verse 2 and 'melting ice' in your latest???

ashleycapes said...

This is looking great - especially love these 2 after a first read

in couples counseling
some days are long / gj

and the hokku too!

bandit said...

Thanks T. I keep forgetting to change that. Too many distractions.

bandit said...

Thanks, Ash, glad you like them.

Anything you'd like to add, Robin?
I'll hold off a while.

I see we've had a few renkujin look in. Please feel free to note any constructive criticism. We welcome it.

T.Migratorius said...

Bandit, you still haven't changed your last 'ice' line..or do you need to?

I just realized that my last entry has a heart reference so close to blood and veins. Is this too close? I'm trying to come up with something quickly here.

T.Migratorius said...

ps.... I do like John's verse very much.

bandit said...

bandit said...
I like the modern reference to 'couples counseling', but don't know how it relates to the beginning or potential for love.
I do catch the 'long day' reference to spring.

I think my 'wallflower' might benefit from a simpler rendering but not sure if it would be clear.

I thought the two verses, readapted, would make a nice pair in sequence.

We can go with four love verses, though three is enough.

let's see what we can do with this series, beginning, middle and end.

John Merryfield said...

sounds good bandit

bandit said...

We should reserve blossoms for the final spring run. (I like blossoms, too. It's so damn cold here, I sure could use some)

I changed verse 2, Robin.

Let's run a 'wallflower' and come back with a progression of love, if that's OK.

John, any more ideas on that 'counseling', non season, three lines? We can move away from the school dance, I guess.

Love verses are tough. Sometimes, something irrelevant fits best.

EC, any ideas to have a geeky bug freak student go all abuzz on the wallflower?

bandit said...

I think I got it...whew!

el coyote said...

Hey bandit, I really think "spindly wall flower" was amazing. How about...

spindly wall flower
attracting the birds and bees

or

spindly wall flower
she sets my heart abuzz

bandit said...

Got it. I'll use the short verse with less cut. I'm tellin' ya, that's what the old school says...

Robin had a "loves me. loves me not", idea, and John's 'counseling" idea would make a nice progression.

John Merryfield said...

Sorry for my slow response... Here in this part of Mexico, internet can be spotty at times. If I come up with more I'll post. Others have ideas...??

bandit said...

It's OK-Robin is out viewing Sea Lions and such.

How much for the new girl?! The studious one...

bandit said...

I still like John's 'counseling', but in relation to the end of love.
In between it and 'wallflower', we have an odd jump in the sequence.

Love verses are notoriously unpopular to write, but I'm not in a rush.

If we had something apart from a longer standard, since we are in an intensification stage, something amusing, or otherwise compelling, I thought it might fit well.

We have a "self and other" verse now. We could link self , or other, or place. or time, etc.

bandit said...

Whaddya think of this set-up?

el coyote said...

Hey guys, sorry I haven't been around. I was getting writers block and needed a break. Here's a couple verses, not sure exactly where we're at.

bandit said...

This is interesting-enough material for four love verses.

Here's another possible sequence:

a spindly wallflower
sets my heart abuzz / b

two contortionists
give shape
to the meaning of love / tm ??

pushing the stroller
their footsteps in synch / ec ??

the sound of darts
is all i hear
in couples counseling / gj ??

Any thoughts/ideas/preferences?

el coyote said...

Hey you're right Bandit! That kinda just fell right in our laps huh?

bandit said...

I'll post it if nobody minds. I think we were in a kind of rut, and I suppose we are eager to move on.

We have a two line autumn verse, and then a moon verse.

I suppose we could move outdoors again, back to nature, do you think? Then the moon, the centerpiece of this side.

bandit said...

John, I quite like that 'change from the inside out' line.
If only we could realize people's feelings as fast as lightning.
A great metaphor.
It does set us up for that autumn moon verse with its sky reference.
Let's post it, OK everyone?
Race to the moon?

John Merryfield said...

Cool Bandit. I was unsure my words conveyed the image I saw. I kept throwing out more verses in the absence of others. I could have kept amusing myself with more. There always more.

John Merryfield said...

These are all terrific EC. Mushroom tea linking cumulus clouds is wonderful. I also love the dappled moonlight after the snail has tasted the goods.

bandit said...

I noticed we had two 'sound' verses, so I tweaked them a little.

el coyote said...

heys guys, I pulled the trick or trreat verse and added a few new ones. they are just rough drafts so any comments/ changes are welcome.

bandit said...

Sorry people, I got distracted.

up all night
the morning glories
duped by a full moon/ ec??


maple leaves
from russet to gray
under the rising moon /tm ??

Boy, I don't know. I'm leaning to these two for linkage.

If we were to imitate a style of successful renku writing, our next verse could offer honor to jo, as well as sum up this folio before a direct run to the finish.
Please share your ideas or preferences.

T.Migratorius said...

I like them both...I think yours is also quite nice Bandit. Really nice.

el coyote said...

I hate to toot my own horn but I like the morning glory verse... i feel it works on different levels of linkage. "up all night" could also be a baby reference linking the "stroller" verse... as well as lovers up all night (loving or fighting depending if counseling goes well:)). The "duped" part reminds me of "hopeful seagulls" in a way.

I was also thinking of flipping the verse ...

duped by a full moon
the morning glories
up all night

what do you guys think? if not I'm using it for the next full moon party bandit! :)

John Merryfield said...

Bandit's
"splashes of moonlight
bent rows....
is a terrific link to the previous lightning verse. My choice.
EC's
"mushroom tea"
is a terrific link to the previous as well.
EC's "morning glory" verse is also excellent and has a variety of links associated ... as well as being a damn good verse.

T.Migratorius said...

good choice.

John Merryfield said...

By the way Bandit... Terrific change with "flight of darts"!

T.Migratorius said...

Just playing around with ravens, monarchs and too early snow.

bandit said...

the monarch's flight
burdened by early snow

I tried to nibble this down to ten syllables to counter the previous verse's thirteen.

I like the slight return to the preface's 'instinct' and the hint of urgency as we push ahead through kyu.

I've lost track of diversity of shift some time ago in this renku-all I can suggest is we come in from the outdoors, perhaps with no reference to human, plant or animal. Mathematics, space, metaphysics, as an example.

T.Migratorius said...

Sorry I didn't have time to check in for the last couple of days...
the redo sounds good to me.

T.Migratorius said...

I just read over the renku and I see one thing I'd like to mention. GJ's #3 there are two gerund's. I try to avoid that in my own work. I may suggest 'tourists follow' rather than 'following'. It sounds better to me when spoken out loud. Your call. This is turning out to be a nice piece of work!

bandit said...

Good eye, T. I think I noticed it before but I've just been distracted.

I don't get any of these verses-but it's making me laugh!
I lost track of diversity long ago...

I do like the sound of the 'chaos'
verse. It has a directness to it, as does the vortex', which I would try to emulate from writing kyu with John Carley as sabaki. The idea being not to distract the reader with too much detail or ambiguity from a "charge" to the finish. Besides, it's kinda cool that we have double verses in a row from everybody. Maybe that's the key in this poem. I can dig chaos, man, but the blooms could be construed as flower/blossom/spring?
I'll post that 'vortex' bad boy up, if everyone's cool with it.
Where too? Summer...indoors, maybe?

T.Migratorius said...

hey... I think Bandit's verse is great as well as John's 2nd verse about the mud. My first choice may be B's.

bandit said...

Can I propose this, just for the fact that maeku (preceding verse) and John's original verse are both 14 syllables-

after the rains,
a map drawn in mud

T.Migratorius said...

yes, quite nice.

Can I get a lesson on syllable count? Until this latest project, I did not know we really need to pay attention to that. I need some guidelines and logic to this.

bandit said...

so as to replicate 5-7-5 in relation to 7-7.

Tanka, tan-enga, etc. John Carley invented the zip renku-15 syllables to...what is it? A chapter at his renku Reckoner site, I believe.
The latest issue of Sketchbook has a renku in this form, led by Eiko Yushimoto, if I have the name right. A wonderful rhythm to the verses, and a good sabaki-the poets write as if with one voice.
The long / short pattern that renku editors seek...

T.Migratorius said...

I like your first verse best El Coyote. In it's present form, is it too hokku like? Should it be presented as one sentence? I'm still trying to understand renku here B-

el coyote said...

Hey thanks TM, you know I'm not clear on the format of renku??? It may be too hokkuish, IDK??

Hey are you participating in the ukiah haiku fest again? I entered a couple but was too scared to enter Jane Reicholds contest!

John Merryfield said...

I like them all EC. Although to ease away from Hokku, perhaps...

in the end
nothing more than
a roadside alter

or

a new bottle
of anxiety
in the medicine cabinet

el coyote said...

Thanks, I like the rendition John.

bandit said...

Nice! The 'altar' makes sense to me now-no ambiguity or confusion, leads us straight on.

T.Migratorius said...

Nice wording.

T.Migratorius said...

I like yours alot Willie-

How's the weather up there?

John Merryfield said...

TM- I like the verse alot and can relate to it.

Bandit- Great image and link. My choice for this verse.

bandit said...

Hey!
We're breaking the "freezing" barrier, plus the sun is stronger. Dottie and I might hit the hollow today for walkies.
I like your verse, T. I wonder if El C might have something a bit more "up", though? I just noticed he didn't have a double after all.

Some openings for a junicho poem at Issa's Snail right now with J. Carley as sabaki. Why don't you guys submit a hokku, any season? John said he wanted to write with some Americans again-probably 'cause we're so much fun!

T.Migratorius said...

Glad you and Dottie Dog are able to get out and enjoy the sights. I always enjoy your photographs B.

I've not had the time to try my hand at more writing. I'll try to stop by Issa's now and then to see what you all are doing.

I threw in another verse for the heck of it. The countryside here has acres and acres of yellow mustard in bloom. Quite lovely. Sping is almost here.

el coyote said...

Hey everyone, sorry I've been M.I.A. but my life is super crazy right now! We're moving and I'm living out of boxes....

anyway here are a few verses... lemme know whatcha think.

T.Migratorius said...

I really like them all. I especally like the bear totem verse as a follow up to the previous verse and prefer the lupine.

Hope you got my email a while back. I wasn't ignoring your previous comment/question about the Ukiahaiku contest. :)

bandit said...

Yeah, I'm going on a third interview for a national service business for sales. They want me, but I'm not happy about it. I feel like I'm selling my soul to the company store. I figure they're just a mill that uses people to chew up and spit out to increase their sales and subsequent overrides. I got no choice.
I can't focus on writing or anything-but that'll go away.

I'll be back...

T.Migratorius said...

There aren't many things more stressful than interviews and then actually getting the job and then learning the ropes and making it all work out in your life. Good luck to you Willie. Just think of it as temporary until you can do exactly what you want to be doing.

T.Migratorius said...

is the next verse to be spring/blossom position? If so, can we still use the lupine verse ahead of it? (Just noticed this)
Good Morning All!

John Merryfield said...

I too, was a little confused with the blossom verse and where we are in the triparshva. I absolutely love this bear totem verse though. Wonderful.

I'll be unavailable for three weeks due to traveling... won't have access to computer services (starting late monday).

Good luck with the new job Willie. I know you'll do just fine and you'll find your authentic self within the cogs of the working machine. Thank Dottie for the moon verse acknowledgement.

bandit said...

I like it, too.
We know the rules-so let's break 'em!

I'll be back...(where have I heard that before?)

bandit said...

I lifted a verse I submitted to a trip at Issa's Snail and propose it hear for position 21-it may be more appropriately direct and singularly focused for our finale.Please let me know what you're thinking.

A new link for zip renku above, and a fine example at Xaiku, also.

bandit said...

Hearing no objections...

The ageku is not as strictly required to avoid repetition, and sometimes reiterates a theme.

T.Migratorius said...

I just love the busker verse Willie. I've been out a few days.

John Merryfield said...

Don't stop EC! Keep them coming.... Why remove the last verse from consideration?

el coyote said...

Hey John,
I don't know why I removed that verse.... guess I just didn't hear any feedback. This renku is like the never ending story..

el coyote said...

how was the sea of cortez?

el coyote said...

I kinda like the last one (in bold). Reading over the entire project, I think it wraps it up nicely.

Anyone else got any ideas?

bandit said...

Sorry guys, was scrambling for a while...

We have three flower/blossom verses; morning glories, lupine, and cherry. It's OK to break the rules (guidelines?) for the sake of art and prosody, maybe, but maybe don't hit 'em with a hammer?

As it is, I wouldn't submit this to any magazine without some careful review, maybe some rewrites, but what the hey, it's been a mean winter, lot's of distractions. It's good we kept our hand in,

If any I lean toward the poor old girl, yet is it a bit glum for this position? Maybe that's appropriate...

bandit said...

Thanks, EC.

How's that look to you?

bandit said...

I've placed this version up for critique at the Renku Pro-boards site. Let's see what comments we get.

bandit said...

Some good response to this poem so far-awaiting further critique.

Should we submit the final draft to Notes From The Gean? Deadline is next Wednesday.

Give it a read and submit any edit ideas, and include your name and location you'd like to appear in print.

(We could just use Green Tea and Bird Song, with our psuedonyms. a cool idea, maybe.)

el coyote said...

Stick a fork in her... I think she's done!