A submissions call for hokku for a triparshava renku of 22 verses beginning with Winter. Members, please submit up to three verses. Discussion will follow.
Reader's comments are encouraged and welcome!
Side 1 - jo - preface
hokku -wi
wakiku -wi
daisan -ns
4 short -ns
5 long -sp/su/mn
6 short -sp/ns
Side 2 - ha - development and intensification
7 long -ns
8 short -ns
9 long -ns/sp
10 short -su/sp/lv
11 long -ns/lv
12 short -ns/lv
13 long -ns/lv
14 short -au
15 long -au mn
16 short -au
Side 3 - kyu - finale
17 long -ns
18 short -su
19 long -ns
20 short -sp
21 long -sp/bl
ageku -sp
(from John Carley's Renku Reckoner)
?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
deep river's ice
the catfish dream
of soaring flight / b
myriad ripples
on the frozen stream
a sudden thaw / b
perched upon
the oyster midden-
two hungry seagulls / ec
picking the sinew
from our teeth-
late winter stew/ ec
northern wind-
a fallen bird's nest
upsets/ unsettles the soul/ ec
charcoal rendering
of the world today
haiti slave ship / gj
hawk on a post
last night's
gargoyle dream / gj
center of the tempest
cold sparrows
in song / gj
whale watching
once again, only the sky
and the sea / rb
.
16 comments:
What the hey, I'll open the ball.
I'll try and come up with a third verse. Glad to be working on a new project!
We can give it a little more time for the others to respond.
I'm empty. I've been trying to contribute a hokku for consideration.... nothing yet. I love these so far.
My life is kind of busy right now, but I will check in as much as I can.
I like the word 'myriad' in Willie's verse. I like how the catfish dream of flying...very cool. John..your poem is so unique! EC.. I like how you have used the words 'oyster midden' very much. The Sinew grosses me out, which means that it is probably very effective. Can we use the word 'winter' in a winter hokku?
Sure you can say winter. It only appears in two verses in this form.
Some renku would avoid actual season names more than once in a sequence (winter, spring, summer, autumn) as kigo, however, to avoid repetitiveness.. You can be the first on your block!
I think Chen-ou will put something up, seeing as how he likes to stay drunk on writing, and Kurt, Kyle and Karin have been notified. Those latter three might be swamped, but always welcome to submit as much as they can.
When Chen-ou rolls in, then let's ddecide a hokku!
A tip: trying to "code" a verse that refers to our effort and company...
John, is there a historical reference for '21 slave ships'?
Love it govinda john!
Right then: Chen-ou would like to observe this round as he is yet unfamiliar with the form; a thoughtful and considerate decision.
Certainly, we might all discuss our favorite candidate for lead verse:
I like all the verses, though I lean to a preference for El C's 'perched upon the oyster midden-two hungry seagulls'. It has a beautiful, attractive sound in reading-I would like to see more than two seagulls if it were to be a more accurate reference to our party.
Either 'myriad ripples' or on the frozen stream', with it's definate winter kigo, or 'once again, only the sky and sea' could serve as the next verse.
John, I like the the verse commemorating the Haitian earthquake-that's why I asked about the 21 slave ships. Is that number significant?
It would be wise to keep this verse in reserve, at the least, for it's topical importance.
Would anyone else like to comment, please? Writers, or spectators alike are welcome.
Marian really likes the 'winter stew' verse, too, agreeing with Robin about its vivid imagery, though suggesting a change from 'late' to possibly "cold" so as to keep the chronology in order-another winter verse will follow if we follow the schematic precisely.
I hesitated only because the first folio traditionally evolves in a conservative manner.
Some good research and information to be found at the Renku Reckoner link on the right of the main page.
Well, no there is no historical reference to 21 slave ships. Evidently, the #21 has significance in Voodoo (unique to Haiti), so I took liberty with the visual image. I have other versions in my mind and can keep them available if the link is appropriate. It's challenging putting to words what I'm feeling about the suffering in Haiti. I agree with Robin, its unique, but for me, not worthy of being the hokku.
I agree with Willie, "perched"... by EC sounds beautiful buts lacks alot of tension and contrast, but can work in this renku.
I liked "deep river ice"... by Willie. Simple images with much force and contrast.
What the heck... I'm amongst friends..... I revised one and threw a couple more out for consideration.
John, those are wonderful. Just a quick note..I emailed Bandit with some comments. For reference to the group here with yours John I do like cold sparrows. #2 is very cool.
hey guys, I added a new verse... not sure if I like unsettled or upset better.? Let me know.
I like the cold sparrows verse John. And I think I like the original 21 ships verse, it had a special something.
Nice EC I like "northern wind..." very much and my preference would be "unsettled".
pack ice...
gulls idly pick
at a seal flipper
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