Friday, June 26, 2009

Long City Sidewalks




long city sidewalks
the sweltering moon
aligns with Mars / b

past the lemonade,
my creaking hammock swing / gj

into the wind
the crew manuevering
to maintain balance / b

slow ominous circles
a broken wing / gj

hiking with Dad
my three steps
to his one / ah

captured tadpoles
in a budweiser bottle / gj

a brief glimpse,
a reflection,
vanished in the crowd / b

seeing my breath
feeling yours / gj

gaseous bubbles
rise from
the ancient pond / b

acupressure points
easing digestion / gj

on Joe Pye's weed
caressing
the sleepy bees / b

a honey colored
autumn dusk / gj

Completed July 7, 2009
Revised July 12, 2009

altadenahiker-Karin Bugge
bandit-William Sorlien
govindajohn-John Merryfield



First published in Simply Haiku, Winter 2009

48 comments:

bandit said...

Since we're shorthanded, I'll take the hokku to get us started.

I've used up the moon reference. I've had this city theme on my mind for a couple of days now.

I guess this once in a lifetime moon viewing will occur in August.
Thanks to Mike Sturgeleski for forwarding this information.

This 12 stanza form allows for some flexiblity; the next stanza is two lines of seven or less syllables each. Another summer reference is OK, or go without a seasonal reference. (ns)

Think of a "linking" subject yet "shift" away-a bit like stream of consciousness or googling a topic and finding a myriad of related things. Your imagination is the only limit.

Don't repeat other's words. KB, I know you won't have any problem with that!

I'm looking forward to where this takes us!

bandit said...

I've been extremely lucky to be involved in a new renku at the Issa's Snail blog with John Carley taking the Sabaki (leader) role.

Read the discussion of writing renku at this sight. It's eye opening!

http://issassnail.wordpress.com/?page_id=74/

bandit said...

of further interest;

http://www.simplyhaiku.com/SHv2n1/renku/beginnings.html

govindajohn said...

Thought I would jump in. Great stuff at issasnail.

bandit said...

Ya snooze ya lose.
Next stanza 3 lines, no seasonal reference.
What did I read? Back in the day in Japan you had a small spiral of incense burn down to mark time to write your poem?

govindajohn said...

We await Karin.

bandit said...

Is that meant to be a summer reference, John?

It's a damn good one if it is.
Let me change the sequence and tell me what you think.

govindajohn said...

Terrific placement! No, it wasn't a summer reference, but it did cross my mind as conveying summertime, but I dismissed it as too unconventional to matter.... but with the second verse having an option of summer reference... I really like it there.

bandit said...

It makes an uninterrupted narrative without repeating concepts from the second to last verses, a clean "leap over".
See an explanation at the Renku Reckoner link to your right in the chapter titled "Link and shift".

From the schematic guide at the Reckoner, Junicho, column 5, 5th line, we now have a 3 line stanza with either a spring or summer theme. I've already used our single moon topic.

govindajohn said...

Great explanation at the Reckoner. I have to say that with the new arrangement, the first three make quite an interesting "trio" with the fourth verse starting a new link and leap.

bandit said...

Read further the chapter on "link-making the connection". It'll change the way you've been writing renku.

Oh, I made a mistake. The next stanza has a spring or 'autumn' reference option.

govindajohn said...

Basho was deep dude!

I'm really digging the first three trio... don't know if its because of how the shuffled arrangement really opened my mind.

bandit said...

your summer reference needn't have been conventional, John. That's more of a local kigo, though it still makes sense in an international setting.

bandit said...

Go ahead, John.
Karin had to drop out, this time.
Sad she couldn't stay.

govindajohn said...

Sorry to hear that Karin couldn't continue, maybe another time.

I like this verse with a spring reference. Moon position was optional?

I'll be able to compose the 6th verse by later tonight.... but a note about my schedule... I'm heading down to near the bay area for some kite surfing through the weekend. I may or may not have internet connection. It probably will be here and there. I'll check in, between kite loops.

bandit said...

A short poem, junicho, so one moon reference may be adequate (hokku).
We got another shot at spring, though, and autumn is coming! Two moons in the first half could be crowded. Speaking of which, let me know if you'd like to switch after the half. Come into the game for the big win!
And for crying out loud, be careful with that kite. Don't need you laid up, too.

govindajohn said...

Positions people! Glad you can see the big picture with the moon position already in hokku. Sometimes I can get lost in the forest looking for wood.

I don't mind staying with the short verses. Kinda like it actually.

With everyone else gone, reminds me of our early renga HBS days.

I'll stay as connected as I can. I hit the road tomorrow.

bandit said...

another nice link, grasshopper!

http://www.poetrylives.com/SimplyHaiku/SHv2n4/renku/Kamakura_Japanese.html

bandit said...

a call to love-
I was told that love themes could refer to sexual themes; therefore, love verses should be about adults. Kids and animals themes could be misconstrued, well, not in a good way.

bandit said...

And again, useful link info, as I was reminded by Ashley over at Issa's Snail.

http://renku.home.att.net/Link_Shift.html#Types%20of%20Linking

govindajohn said...

wind turbine
a mother father
god

Wind turbines are all over the delta and flash red lights at night. The wind blows here morning, noon and all night. One could kite surf until their arms fell in the water. A kite buddy would then come along, pick them up, and help reattach them. Just a gear adjustment.

Poetrylives under construction and I was unable to view your link, but Issasnail is always right on it.

bandit said...

'passed' or 'past' the lemonade?
I liked the first version. I tagged on a comma to help it flow.

I won't use 'passing glimpse' if you use passed. I like the urgency implied with 'passing'.

Do you like "in a budweiser bottle"?
It sounds less, oh, stilted to me.
Our renku is not the same as writing individual haiku; more like a spaced-out narrative, like telling a story.

Sorry to be so picky, dude. I kinda had it in mind to submit this to a certain someone.

govindajohn said...

Yes, yes, I think you're right. Herky jerky... the wind up and pitch, John throws a knuckle ball. I think it flows better with those changes. I have a question about my wi/love verse, but leaving it for now.

govindajohn said...

Changed it... This works better for me. Evokes the impermanence of winter... love and so on.

bandit said...

You're gonna really like me now.

Consider:

tadpoles captured
in a Budweiser bottle

and:

seeing my breath
feeling yours

I've always liked a winter breath reference, the impermanence of it.

bandit said...

more notes: 'ji-ta-han'
http://graf-mur.holm.ru/gerb/gerb14-0.htm

govindajohn said...

Yes absolutely! Less is more.

I lost sight of that with the tadpoles because I actually saw some guys recently here at the lake, showing off captured tadpoles and even crayfish in a budweiser bottle and it was the showing off to other people that stuck me so deeply, and I felt compelled to try to convey. But without the two words (showing off) the reader is led to imagine that and more.

And..
seeing my breath
feeling yours

..hits it right on, no question about it.

Sorry for the delay in responding, I'm back in town now and more computer connected.

bandit said...

Thanks, man. Now I'm not sure of 'a passing glimpse' or just 'a glimpse'. I value your opinion.

govindajohn said...

I say "passing a glimpse" because I think of turning my head to look and as I take a look, it "vanishes in a crowd". "a glimpse" is too brief. The looking around in order to find the reflection and ultimately love is key. It's a terrific set up for a love verse.

bandit said...

A tough one. Trying to move away from people and animals without seasonal reference. I'm still unsure...

bandit said...

"Just an aside - if we want to be really Shofu (Basho-style) we might reflect that the old goat (sorry, 'crow') was very fond of hidden symmetries. Given that we have 'summer moon', were he writing a Junicho, he'd doubtless insist on 'winter sun'!"

John Carley

A little late for our purposes, but something to think about. Other great notes in the latest draft and discussion of junicho at Issa's Snail regarding verse structure in the body of renku.
The core value being that only the hokku need be directly a stand alone haiku poem.

govindajohn said...

Man, you guys can write over there at Issasnail!

bandit said...

Correction: Them guys can write; I'm just along for the ride.

govindajohn said...

Correction: I revise all the time. I'm still learning. I think this verse works for me.

bandit said...

You had me there for a minute!
Its a good thing I like to pet my little friends on cold mornings.
A little scratch behind the ears,
a pat on the belly...
Seriously, the bumblebee's are so lethargic on autumn mornings. The neighbor kids think its magic!

bandit said...

would you consider flipping L1 and L2 of easing digestion/acupressure points?
Again, that cut debate; should each stanza aspire to be haiku?

govindajohn said...

That is absolutely unfair! All that talk about individual verse in renku, except the hokku, don't need to stand on their own, and then you write this sleepy bees verse. I love it.

Yes, another good call switching the acupressure... I'll do it.

Let me see what I can come up with to finish...

govindajohn said...

I just love that Joe Pye's weed!

bandit said...

From what I'v been learning, there may be an issue of repetition with a 'sleepy' verse followed by a "nap" verse.
For the cut or no cut issue-that's why I've tried to write more in unbroken syntax, or at least mix 'em up.
You know where I've been; a new comment now re: cut and usikoshi by JE at the "snail".

govindajohn said...

Let me work on it. Going out ... back this evening. easy fix.

bandit said...

I'm running with this to get it posted-I'd like to get some critical response.
I do think we're improving though.
I like that honey-colored dusk.

govindajohn said...

Perfect title and yes I too, think we're improving. Your help and knowledge is appreciated. Throw it out there and see what people think and let's learn some more!

bandit said...

typical to title from the hokku

T.Migratorius said...

Hey Guys,
I really like this. Karin's is awesome. John, I especially love the breath verse. WS, I have trouble choosing, but I think the Mars verse is my favorite of yours here.

Enjoyable to read!

bluetoque said...

An enjoyable read. Some very good links! I enjoyed the link from gaseous bubbles. 'hiking with Dad' is wonderful Karen - it brings back memories. And Joe Pye's weed almost made me snort. Love that one.

bandit said...

had to shorten my 'gaseous bubbles/ancient pond verse';
it was way clunky to fit the rest of the poem. AAhhh, I feel better now.

Sandra said...

Very nice linked poem, you guys. It flows really well and there are some arresting images, but still the balance is there.
Congrats from one still working her way through a new form,
Sandra

Lorena said...

Nice one, I like it a lot. You're too funny with your 47 comments. Love your blog title